Module 1: Ava's Autobiography
I can attest that a spoonful of sugar does, in fact, help the medicine go down. Growing up, one could always seem to find me alongside my mother in our quaint Tuscan- inspired kitchen without fail. It felt as though there was not enough air to inhale anything aside from flour, and personal space was a vastly foreign concept. Between the electric mixers and my mother’s deafening tone, it was too crowded to even hear oneself think. Yet, our lifestyle was just the way we liked it.
I
am incredibly grateful to have grown up in Bronx, NY. Instilled in me is a
fiery soul that takes nothing for granted. From a very young age, I learned
that nothing is earned without sacrifice. Seeing my mother voluntarily slave
away in the kitchen has molded me into an individual who takes great joy in
giving back to others. After school, most children ran to the streets to play
tag or stickball. Young Ava, however, raced up North Carlton Avenue to greet
her oven after a long day apart.
As
I grew older, I turned my passion of baking into a lifestyle. Dedicating my
existence to making other lives sweeter has been the most enriching journey I
have yet to embark on. I moved from the east coast to San Francisco, CA, when I was
twenty-four years old. My longtime dream of opening a sweets shop with a view
of the Golden Gate Bridge finally turned into a reality. Today, I am incredibly
proud to state that San Fran Sweets
has been booming for three whole years!
When one takes a bite of my treats, I
aspire for a wave of nostalgia to emerge. Perhaps a lemon cream scone takes one
back to lounging under the lush maple tree on grandmother’s lawn just before
the sun began to set on another perfect day. Maybe the blueberry crumb cake recalls
upon a simpler time to when one’s spouse was healthy enough to share a bite to eat, and chat of
the outrageous current events. Regardless of the scenario, I hope to create
treats that recall a sense of home.
#BakeTheWorldABetterPlace
So inspiring that you have achieved your dream! Your writing is clear and precise, yet warm and approachable. My one possible critique is in the beginning where you talk about it being crowded, I could feel the claustrophobia, but couldn't feel what you liked about it. Maybe an elaboration on why this appealed to you would help. (Now I want to fly out to SF and have some sweets!!)
ReplyDeleteAs I mentioned in the lecture, the key to the module one assignments is audience. How often do you consider yours when writing?
ReplyDeleteFor module two this week, I ask you to write an “about you” page for your blog. The module one assignments are first and second drafts for that “about you.”
The beat defense assignment is usually the better draft because it focuses one’s writing and story on the interests of the audience. It thinks of the audience.
Yet the autobiography is still helpful. It sets your mind in motion. It helps you consider possible beats. It helps you think about “you the author.” It introduces you to the class.
In your case, your autobiography is already focused on your beat, which shows how much baking is a part of your life. I like the discussion of your mom’s kitchen and her dedication. I’d like to hear more of that. Don’t rush past the good stuff.
The words, and time, and editing you devote to sharing that kitchen memory are just like the time and dedication you put into baking something. They both show your passion.
A good “about you” might just take me into that kitchen, detail by detail, and share a specific moment that illustrates your love for baking. Maybe just tell me how your mom baked or how she taught you.
A spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down? I wouldn’t open with that. Those are someone else’s words. You need to write your own quotable sentences.
“Maybe the blueberry crumb cake recalls upon a simpler time to when one’s spouse was healthy enough to share a bite to eat…”
I like this connection you make between specific tastes and specific memories. However, I’m not sure what you intend with the above memory. Do you want to connect your baking services with memories of someone’s spouse in poor health?
It’s important to use writing to deliver your ideas to an audience, but it’s also important to use writing to develop and discover your ideas—that’s they type of writing that will make an actual connection. That’s why I insist on drafts.
Drafts think. They experiment. They make your thoughts concrete and let you consider whether they express your ideas well enough. Drafts sit in your mind for a few days and foster better expressions and better ideas. Drafts create new thoughts.
I think your bio is better than your beat post. Again, it tells us the story of your passion. It gives us credible examples. It doesn’t just talk about it.
That’s the draft you should keep developing.
Good work this week.
Thank you for your critique!
DeleteI know I am a little late on critiquing but I wanted to read back so I could get a better understanding of your blog!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this autobiography. I know its your first and you probably made changes later on but I thought it was very captivating.
One suggestion I would have would be to add maybe what it was like to open your open shop - the journey, the hardships, the reward!
From Delta Sky!
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